Vegan Peanut Butter Brownie Round Up
Don’t do drugs.
Don’t sleep around.
Don’t kiss anyone.
Don’t make eye contact.
Don’t visit bars.
Don’t visit parks.
Don’t visit monuments
Don’t visit malls.
Don’t go to parties.
Don’t go to crowded places
Don’t go to solitary places.
Don’t use the train.
Don’t walk on the road.
Don’t smile at anyone.
Don’t have a job.
Don’t drive a car.
Don’t have a boyfriend.
Don’t be bisexual.
Don’t be a lesbian.
Don’t wear your hair long.
Don’t wear your hair short.
Don’t wear jewelry.
Don’t wear short skirts.
Don’t wear sleeveless shirts.
Don’t wear jeans.
Don’t wear trousers.
Don’t wear makeup.
Don’t be a woman.
How Not to Get Raped (Answers to an Actual Survey)
IMPORTANT SHARE: http://untamedunwanted.tumblr.com/post/95489445128/please-read-how-to-care-for-a-rape-survivor (via untamedunwanted)
I usually keep this blog to post photography and writing, but a few days ago, a friend of mine who I have met and got to know only a few months ago stumbled into my home bleeding, her clothing ripped and collapsed in my arms. She couldn’t speak and she could not stop crying.
I let her cry for as long as she needed. She didn’t need to speak until she was ready.
She confessed to me that she had been the victim of a sexual assault by a colleague and did not know what to do. She came to me, because she knew that I had been sexually assaulted in my life and did not think anyone else would understand her predicament as well. Her mother’s house is much closer than mine, but she did not think her mother would be able to deal with this, or respond in the way she needed. And her boyfriend was at work, but she had no idea how she was going to be able to tell him without him completely losing his temper. Her best friend had told her she was busy at work and would call her when she got him. So instead of being able to go to the people she was closest to, she came to me instead, as she thought I was the only person who would help her understand her feelings and what she needed to do next.
This is a social issue that makes me so angry, rape is such an isolating experience and people who have not been through it can sometimes be so insensitive to a survivor. They tend to put their feelings about what the person has gone through first, and that is so so wrong. What is more important is the person who is dealing with the trauma, not HOW it is affecting the person they are telling about it.
I held her for the longest time till she told me she really wanted to shower. Now this is important: I did not let her shower. I know why she wanted to, she wanted to get him off her in every single way. She wanted to wash the feel of him, the disgusting, terrible violation away by scrubbing every inch of her body until it was red and raw, but this does not HELP (I’ve had that shower. I know what happens after. Your mind does not let you forget. EVER.). The mental trauma will still be there. She would still feel him, even after that shower. The reason I did not let her shower however, was because I needed to take her to the hospital.
Now this is usually the most difficult bit for any rape victim. Your first instinct is to cower from the world and refuse to let anyone else touch you, not even people you trust. The thought of a clinical examination by a stranger, even a doctor makes you sick, physically ill to the point you may throw up. But you NEED to let yourself be checked up.
There are several reasons for this:
1. The survivor could have suffered internal damage. They do not know this just by looking at themselves, but internal damage can sometimes make itself known later, and they do not want to be in a position where the act has damaged them for life. It will be a constant reminder of an incident that nearly destroyed them.
2. They need medication for and to be checked up for STDs, and/or the morning after pill to prevent pregnancy. I do not need to stress the importance of this. Even if the attacker wore a condom, they DO NOT want to have contracted something off them.
3. They are going to want to give themselves the chance to want to press charges and try and get some justice to themselves.
Stand by them. Let them hold your hand. Do whatever you can to make them comfortable, including telling the doctor that they want you present during the examination even if the doctor says it is not possible. FIGHT FOR THEM. Even if you cannot be present during the examination, the knowledge that you did everything in your power to be there, will make them feel like they are not alone and make them stronger.
After the examination, ask them what they want to do (The doctor/nurse will probably want to get the police involved anyway, as it is their job to notify the police if an assault has taken place). Do they want to press charges now? Do they want to talk to the police? The best thing to do is to speak to the police, but not everyone is ready at that time. It is important to keep a dialogue going with the person who this has happened to. Try and convince them, but DON’T PUSH TOO HARD. I cannot tell you just how important this is. You will only cause the person to shut down and at the end of the day it is their choice, not yours to speak to a police officer.
If they agree to speak to the police (Preferably a female officer), then please stand by them, hold their hand and let them tell their story to the best of their ability. Let the police take their statement first hand and ask their questions. Do not interrupt this process.
They will be exhausted once this is all done. They will want to shower/bathe and rest/sleep. Take them home, or to a place that they feel comfortable in, whether it is your house, their house, their mom’s house…anywhere they usually feel safe and secure. When you get there, ask them what they need. Ask if they would like their bedsheets changed, something to eat, some coffee…whatever they want at that time. Give them options, but not too many. At a time of trauma, too many options can also cause a person to shut down.
Whilst they shower/bathe, try and make their safe place as comfortable as possible without changing it too much and always ask permission for what you are doing. Do they have a favourite stuffed animal? Do they have a favourite drink?
Stay. Stay for as long as they want you there, as long as you are needed, until they want someone else they trust to be told of the situation and come and look after the person. Explain, from the point of view of the survivor, how they are feeling if they cannot speak. Explain, how much they need to be loved right now.
And lastly, explain how this, NONE OF THIS, is their fault.
Look, there are no guidelines to rape. As a survivor, someone is so confused and broken, they just don’t know what to do. And the person they tell has a huge responsibility that not everyone can handle. The only thing you can do is be as unselfish and as supportive as you can possibly be. I did not get any of this when I was raped. I suffered through it alone which is why I say rape is such an isolating experience. From what I went through, this is what I really needed someone to do for me. Everyone is different, but in one thing, we are all the same. We all need to be loved and cared for, especially in our times of crisis and trauma.
I wrote this to share with everyone, so in case you are in this position, you know what to do. Please share this with everyone you know. It may just end up helping someone.
I was practically forced to report… — I was woken up at 9 AM (I fell asleep that night around 5-6 am) told all the horrible things that could/would happen if I DIDN’T report.After filing my report, it was in the news. The very next day. It was ON TV. It was online. Thankfully, it wasn’t in the print newspapers but everyone knew what had happened to me… Even if they didn’t know I was the girl in the news. My flashblacks and anxiety increased like 100x after being forced to report. I couldn’t function, I tried to commit suicide after that and started self-harming. I stopped eating, I lost like 15 pounds and my hair was falling out — at the time, I was staying with my family an it was constantly “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL US” “WHY DIDN’T YOU TRUST US”… Worst of all, this all happened on the one year anniversary of the rape.
Please don’t ever, ever ever ever ever force a survivor to report their rape, please. PLEASE you have NO IDEA how harmful it can be to their psyche unless you yourself have been through that.
I am so sorry that happened to you, that is so unfair and totally uncalled for. That is why I have always told every survivor who I have ever met that reporting is THEIR CHOICE, not anyone else’s. Never ever push a rape survivor into reporting if they are not ready. That is exactly what this article is to educate people about. Everyone needs to realise, this absolutely horrendous attack is violation enough, and every single survivor deals with it differently and makes different choices. I am so sorry you went through what you did after surviving something so awful. Love to you, my dear and thank you for sharing your story. You are so strong and incredible and BEAUTIFUL for surviving. Remember that always.